What`s black & white & red all over?

An embarrased mime!
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What do birds say on Halloween?

Twick o tweet
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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And the mermaid, that was weird. What was she wearing in math class?

An Algae-bra
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What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?

Lipstick.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank
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