What`s black & white & red all over?

An embarrased mime!
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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I have a friend who is a Limo driver . But he has had no clients for two years.

So he has nothing to chauffeur it !
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What did the rug say to the floor?

Don't move, I've got you covered.
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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How many record producers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two… one to tell the engineer to do it, the other to say "I don't know, what do you think?"

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How do you fix a broken Tuba.

With a tuba glue.
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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.
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What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
Your Honor.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50

Senator.
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